Good morning, young man! Before you get started on your day, I’d like to share a few things with you. Now, I know you and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. We haven’t exactly developed a loving rapport, you and I. But, I believe I have a few suggestions that may help you in your travels.
I understand that, quite a while ago, a few men got together and wrote what I like to look at as mild suggestions as it pertains to all men being equal, and having what you call “rights” and what have you. But, this land you traverse…..this very soil that MY predecessors have worked so hard to build is a great, beautiful land. It’s MY land. My birthright, and inheritance…given to me by my forefathers to rule outright; and I’d really appreciate your cooperation in keeping it beautiful.
When we pull you over, when we stop and frisk you without probable cause, we kind of need you to just comply. We have lots of operatives in your city’s police departments, and they aren’t always the most well-adjusted people, if you know what I mean!
Look, our jails are kinda full. I’d hate to have to jail you for something small, then make hundreds of thousands off your labor and extend your sentence after provoking you into infraction after infraction during your stay. So, if we tell you to grab the wall, just grab it!
Our dogs really are nice officers! We train them with the full intent to grab your frisbee out of a lake, or play with your Autistic son. They’re really kind, but they also have teeth. And, there’s just something about noncompliance that really just rubs them the wrong way.
I know we have a long history of this with you. But, if you’d have just complied, we wouldn’t have had to hose you down, sick dogs on you, tear gas your children to death or whip them into comas with our batons. You see…little Billy doesn’t do all that back talk. He just complies, if and ever he is in contact with the law. We even take some people to Burger King on their way to jail!! We aren’t your enemy, YOU ARE!!
This notion that we have to adhere to a set of rules written by some men that lived hundreds of years ago is absurd. They don’t live in our times, and things are worse than ever! We have women mysteriously dying in custody, and people pulling strange weapons that look like wallets on us, and even people that walk away from us when we’re talking; forcing us to use lethal force! It really is out of our control.
So, please….just comply! We don’t want to have to shoot you!